Shhh. I am trying to be quiet over here.
Hahaha. You know I am not a quiet gal. I live out loud and run a hundred miles an hour all day every day. I am busy. I care a lot about the kind of mother I am, my job, and how I do in school. I do not really slow down and I have lists. I have a lot of lists. I need to know what plates I am spinning so nothing crashes. Every crazy thing I do has a purpose though. I am very intentional with my time. I listen intently when kids talk, I pay attention to the things around me. I try to be very mindful and enjoy small things.
Switching gears, I am going to leave my family, my house, my laptop, my phone, and all of my work behind for a weekend and be silent. Yes, during the middle of a semester of grad school, I am packing a bag and going away with a few people from church to participate in a silence retreat.
I am simultaneously looking forward to it immensely and very stressed and nervous. On one hand I know bone deep that this is something I absolutely need to do. I very much need to be still. I need to take a little time to be quiet and listen. I want to journal, read my bible, pray, meditate, and just sit with no outside pressure. No spinning plates. I have a stack of books, I have my journaling supplies, I have a tea cup and my coziest comfy clothes.
But then someone mentioned that maybe I need to take a step back from my plan…it was too big…too much still. For like a split second of a moment I thought, yeah, maybe I should leave a few of my books home, maybe I should really leave it all behind and soak in the silence…then I had this internal fight response like don’t you tell me how to do inner peace. I am in charge of my own inner peace. I can do what I want.
Now I am tired. I am overthinking. I am confused, and hurt, and sad. This is not the way Tuesday was supposed to go. I was supposed to be slowing down this week, planning my very intentional time with the Lord, and starting my slow ease into the weekend with love and peace and God in my heart.
I am going to stop for tonight and read. I am going to pray. I am going to try to not let things eat at me into tomorrow because I don’t want this weekend to be about what someone else thinks it should be for me, but I want it to be what God needs it to be for me.